Another Chance to Get It Right
There are times in life when we may just get it all wrong. Unless you wound up dead, however, the opportunity (or not) of having a second chance to get it right pretty much boils down to one thing: the decision of whether or not to allow that second chance to happen.
Some people live in a black-and-white world wherein they allow one chance and one chance only. “If you hurt me, we’re done.” It’s an all-or-nothing affair that disallows anybody involved the privilege of making a mistake. By nature, it’s an unforgiving way of living. Being unforgiving may seem to protect one from hurt, but it also isolates one from the potential expressed in vulnerability. You see, while we may be hurt through our vulnerability, it is also through vulnerability that we find truth and connection.
Forgiveness is paramount in weathering the ups and downs of a relationship. If we’re stuck in a victim mentality, it can be amazingly hard to forgive somebody for a slight, whether real or perceived. As we begin to understand that our behaviours are all the sum of what we’ve been taught and learned, it becomes easier to see others as reacting to their triggers. They’re not so much trying to hurt others as they are trying to protect themselves.
For a long time, my marriage was awash in slights, both real and perceived. My wife and I walked around angry and disgruntled, probably me more so than her. As I got angrier and more unhappy, my shenpa taking full control of life, I’d fixate on the first shiny thing that looked like it’d make me happy and emotionally off I’d go. I wound up disconnected and distressed. The disillusionment that came with my marriage being unable to make me happy and, damn it, nothing else seeming to manage it either, overran everything.
The Grass Generally Isn’t Greener On The Other Side
I was quick to spout that happiness comes from within, but my actions didn’t bear that up in any fashion. The truth was that I was dependent upon external gratification in order to feel happy. I needed recognition from others. When I couldn’t prop up my ego, I needed others to do it. Whenever it got dull where I was, I’d be ever on the lookout for the next shiny bit to come along and make me happy.
Of course, it was all transient. It was all a facade. Happiness really does come from within. Without that baseline of peace and acceptance of yourself, you have no capacity to find that peace and acceptance of others. If you’re critical and intolerant of yourself, so shall you be with others. That’s just how it is.
As I drove my life into the ground, seemingly powerless to do anything about it, I ran. First emotionally, then physically. I ran, knowing that somehow I needed to fix what was broken in myself. That kicked off the most amazing exploration of Self I could have ever imagined. It continues today. And it is the inspiration for Living Intentionally and the wellness coaching that I hope to do.
I stopped running. I faced myself, warts and all and learned how to love what I saw. I learned how to truly believe that despite my apparent failings, I am a perfect reflection of Source. As such, I am worthy of love, of healing and of a chance to finally get it right.
Source seems to have agreed.
I remember sitting at home in Shizuoka one afternoon and thinking about my situation. “I want my family back,” rang true and clear in my mind. The truth of those words was so sharp that I broke down. My journey had taken me far away, and now I knew it was time to go home.
There was no real expectation that it would happen, just that I accepted fully that it was what I wanted. An interesting thing happened in return: All sorts of work for me began popping up. Not in Shizuoka, mind you, but in Tokyo. Suddenly, I found myself travelling to Tokyo to spend a weekend here and there.
December rolled around and we made plans for me to be home for Christmas. Work continued to beckon, but now it was almost as if there were a conspiracy. Each time I was preparing to return to Shizuoka, another call for work would come. Money was tight, and to save money I didn’t even bother heading back between Christmas and New Year’s.
I planned on heading back to Shizuoka once the kids got back to school, but then another call for work came. And another. And then the offer for a full-time position. As I said, Source conspired. I was the Ideas Guy. I wanted my family back. Source was the Details Guy. Source, it seems, has a handle on employment opportunities.
At some point, I really do need to get back to Shizuoka. I’ve been rotating through the same small assortment of clothes for ages. I came here on December 9th and it’s now February 13th. I’m looking forward to wearing some different clothes for a change.
As for another chance to get it right, I’m grateful for it. We tore things down to the very foundation. This time, we’re building it right.
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February 14, 2011 at 6:05 am
lynpeel
There is a lot to think through in your reply. I see my confusion in the earlier post.
Lots to think through and thank you!
Lyn
February 14, 2011 at 8:32 am
Trane Francks
It’s always a pleasure share ideas with you, Lyn.
February 13, 2011 at 3:09 pm
lynpeel
First read of the above post is that it’s good that I’m not the only person who gets things wrong. Second thought is what if you keep repeating the same mistake because you still haven’t worked through what you needed to with the other person i.e. you only get so far in one relationship but don’t get all you need from it to solve the dialogue you have with yourself about unfinished business. That’s a “little” depressing but I see it’s necessary.
Thirdly .. how does one re-orient oneself to choosing a whole new different set of combinations in a partner for a relationship? What new set should be of interest? Isn’t it usual that we see ourselves in the other person we select? It’s only with time that the other [who is our teacher] is revealed to be different and that difference may be made up of good and bad things.
Finally I think going back to an enabling relationship to continue working through what is on offer in life has to be the best choice possible. You don’t have to go over old ground with someone new and you do already know that you have quite a bit in common.
Lyn
February 13, 2011 at 4:13 pm
Trane Francks
Hi, Lyn.
I think that repeating the same mistake over and over is a function of not availing yourself to a fresh perspective, primarily that being that we create what we experience and, therefore, aren’t a victim in any of our relationships. In fact, I see that single idea as being about the only requirement for fixing any relationship. If both partners within a relationship take full responsibility for their respective roles, the potential for healing is practically unlimited.
Repeating patterns isn’t so much, I think, about what one needs to learn FROM a relationship as it is about what one brings TO a relationship. I realize that there are schools of thought that ascribe behaviours to unlearned lessons, and I see the logic in that, but I’m more a believer of us repeating patterns until we learn to break out of them. To that end, rather than the relationship being a tool that is there with the directed purpose of teaching the lesson, I believe it’s there as a result of the behaviours (i.e., energetic alignment) we put forth. The lesson we learn from it is a choice of perspective.
I’ve heard of our alignment being described as a “pilot wave”. It acts as an attractor, much as pheromones do in the insect world. We broadcast our pilot wave out to the world around us and those who broadcast complementary pilot waves are attracted to us. That can be how we move from one doomed relationship to another. Since we haven’t really changed, neither has our pilot wave. And so we keep experiencing the same types of relationships over and over until we’ve changed enough that we attract to us something different.
As for the choosing a different partner, Source does that for us through Law of Attraction. When you’ve changed the way YOU view relationships and your role in them, you’ll attract people who feel similarly. It’s not about choosing different relationships, it’s about changing ourselves and thereby attracting different partners to us.
I think an enabling relationship is one where both partners recognize how growth happens within the context of a relationship. Each partner is responsible, fully, for their growth as an individual. The relationship should be, I think, a meeting place where the partners share in their respective growth until such time as the relationship no longer represents an alignment of the partners. Going over old ground in a new relationship means that your behaviours and triggers haven’t changed. If you experience the “old crap” in a new relationship and then go back to the old one only to find that it isn’t there, it doesn’t mean that the work is done; it could very well be that your partner has simply learned behaviours that don’t trigger you (and vice versa) in the ways that cause that old ground to pave your driveway.
The bottom line in all of this, really, is really, really, REALLY knowing where you want to be. Do you want to be with this person or not? Being 100% clear on that is of paramount importance. In a relationship where both partners are in complete agreement that they want to be together (and for all the right reasons), fixing the various problems gets a whole lot easier. If there’s uncertainty about where either partner wants to be, I’d say that person’s #1 priority should be in figuring that out. The relationship can’t move forward with any stability until both partners are in agreement with being fully committed to being together.